Ten Most Boring Things Desis Do In This Country
by Ramesh Mahadevan
Here is a list of ten things that desis do in this country, which are
interesting to the persons doing it, but maha boring to all the others
around them.
- Take part in Spelling Bee contests
How many times have we seen it ? A pipsqueak (sp ?) of an American born kid
of Desi ancestry, usually called Venu Iyer or Anita Potlaneni or something
equally bombastic (sp ?), complete with thick glasses and futuristic nerd
looks, spelling its way to a fat college scholarship. The Newsweek or Time
then publishes a photo and adds that "english is not the language they
speak at home". Personally, I would rather use spellcheck.
- Compulsive tendency to log in and read email and bboards frequently.
This activity is too boring to even describe.
- Give vote of thanks in India Association meetings
This most boring activity takes place between the Cultural Evening
and the Holi dinner. It serves no purpose other than to find out who
the President of India Association is. This is the high point of his or her
career and he thanks everybody and makes at least seven PJs. He uses the
phrase 'Last but not the least' at least five times. He also makes about
six announcements, including one about coughing up membership money for
the next year. He also asks the audience to be quiet about three times.
- Talk about their Ph. D projects
Usually this guy talks about how busy he is and how his project sponsors
are coming the next week. If we pay some attention to him as a matter of
courtesy we are treated to a byte by byte account of his computer code,
completely debugged and documented for our benefit. He also believes he
is running the show and his advisor is completely dependent on him. Watch
out for the lumpen elements, who bore you to death with their projects, yet
tell you that they would rather be doing something else.
- Come here from India to visit their nephews
I am reminded of Ashish Ghosh's uncle who insisted on discovering America
on a two week visit to this country. Once in a restaurant he was staring
pointedly at the left breast of the waitress. It was unsettling.
Before we could do anything about it, he even pointed his finger to her
left breast. Every one of us, including the waitress, was horrified.
Uncle: (still pointing to the name tag on her left breast) "What your name means ?"
Waitress: "What ?"
Uncle: (insistently) "What your name means ?"
Waitress: "You want to know what my name means ? I don't know what Cheryl means. Its just a name."
There are still other such stories. About the time he went to Seven Eleven
and rushed straight into the cash counter and grabbed a pack of cigarette,
instead of asking the cashier for it. The cashier would have shot him down,
but for that sad, apologetic look in Ashish's eyes. And another time, he
went to Sears and started taking his banian off in the aisle itself to try on
a new T shirt or something, because he didn't know about the fitting rooms.
- Go to India for a visit
This guy can be an absolute pain, starting a couple of months before his
India trip. "Only forty three days more" he would insist on telling you.
He would also tell you the complete list of gifts he was planning to buy
for his various relatives. As an appetizer, he would also tell you what all
he had to finish in the 'lab' before he leaves. "I can't wait to eat all
the good grub and the mangoes" he would drag on. "I have
fifty two uncles and two hundred and twelve first cousins and ten of them
are getting married this summer and I will have to go to all their weddings.
Pappu actually is my Mama's son, but we went to high school together. Actually
he is a year older than I am. But I joined school one year earlier. You
know how this is in India. My dad gave a false birth date and blah blah blah"
- Trying to be interesting in a white man's party.
This is essentially done by fresh off the boat engineering/computer
types who are trying to be cool. This involves constantly sipping alcohol
and trying to make extended conversations with women, while trying to
ignore other desis. If this desi dude meets another guy, lets say from
Sweden, he would then tell him, "I like Sweden a lot. Land of the erotica."
or something equally absurd. He would also pretend to understand all
the jokes that are made, including some about himself. He would harangue
extensively about India's foreign policy to people who would not want to get
any more intellectual than talk about Michelle Pfeiffer.
- Hang around in Indian Stores and try to rent desi videotapes
This activity is done by a lot of men and women. They would wander
through aisle after aisle of moong daal, gripe water and sale items. "Have
you got any fresh toor daal" she would ask. "Last time we bought it, it
was bad". She would mentally divide the price to get the 'per pound'
value and compare it to the prices in the other Desi store or the
India Abroad prices. In the meantime, the male is hanging around the
video section and asks the owner "Have you got any latest good movies ?"
And then he would turn to whoever is willing to listen to him and
say "Woh kaun hai ? Amitabh Kakkar or is it Amitabh Khanna, nahin
nahin Amitabh Bachchan - that fellow acts okay. I saw his latest picture
Zanjeer last week. It was good. You must see his movies." At which point,
the storeowner would push a mushy trash videotape, a South Indian movie
dubbed in Hindi, with heroines bigger than some Sumo wrestlers
and the desi guy takes it without any resistance.
- Have surprise parties for their girlfriends/boyfriends/spouse
This is the most boring kind of party you can be invited to - essentially
because you are asked not to tell the person to be surprised and you really
don't want to clutter up your brain with such trivial secrets. At the
appointed time, you yell 'surprise' along with the other guests, with
simulated enthusiasm in your voice. Lets face it, you are there primarily
for the food. Then the 'surpriser' tells the 'surprisee' a long story about
how elaborately he had planned the whole thing, how it almost got
botched and how even though he has been doing it year after year on the
same day, it is still very much a surprise and ......
- Start singing in a desi gathering for no reason.
This is the lowest level a desi party can stoop to. Typically nobody knows how
it all starts. But before you are ready for it, a wineglass shattering voice
is rudely bursting into a song. The singer can be a male or a female. But
whatever the sex may be, he or she usually closes its eyes and looks really
funny. They also firmly believe that they have a gifted voice. "My throat is
not okay today" they would shyly say at the end of the song. Just when you
breathe a sigh of relief, they had already started on the next song, this
time, even tapping their feet or shaking their whole body. At the end of the
song, the embarrassed audience has no choice but to clap and encourage.
"You have a good voice" someone in the crowd would lie to the singer "You
must have sung in college". The singer becomes an icon of modesty while
simultaneously getting flattered, before letting his blackboard-scratching
voice boom into another song. If the singer is not the host, throw water
on the person and extinguish the songs. You can always apologize later.
Anthakshari and dumb charades are much better.